Our friends do not come to our house any more.
The ones we have left that is.
They are always welcome at our door
But they always give us a miss.
It all started when the sofa broke you see.
We were not surprised, it was very old.
So we went to the shop (after a hot pot of tea.)
We found what we wanted, and soon it was sold.
It arrived home first, which we found rather odd.
It sat to be unwrapped in the sitting room.
"But first", said I, "Let's have a nice bit of cod".
Thinking nothing of the strange sense of gloom.
Wrapping removed, we admired our new chesterfield.
Covered in burgundy leather, it was really quite nice.
The neighbours will think we are well-heeled.
(But it was very cheap at the price.)
I think it was our poor cat that first got caught.
We thought it had left home because it did seem in distress.
It ran into the sitting room on seeing the dog Fred bought.
(From a man at the pub who said it would beat an express.)
Next it was that very dog. We had only had it a week.
Asleep in the sitting room. (Fred had seen it in there.)
It must have gone down without even a squeak.
It was a good dog, it did not seem fair.
Mrs. Jones from number three was next.
It just opened up and in she went (without any pain.)
Mr. Jones said, "Oh! Dear me!" He was a bit vexed.
So he said he would not be round again.
Then came the man from the Pru'.
Down he sat, before we could shout "Stop!!"
He did struggle, but the mouth just grew.
And in he went with a loud PLOP!
Handy really. We had no money that day.
But what on Earth could we do?
Who could we tell? What would we say?
To be true - we were in a bit of a stew.
Then Grandma came one day to stay.
(She always did drive us around the bend.)
We did warn her I feel sure to say.
Didn't I say her memory would cause her end?
So we decided to ring the shop to take it away.
We had bought it from a man called Maurice.
"No, Sorry. It was not from here." Said they.
"We only employ a lady, and she's a Doris."
We thought we aught to get advice.
'It' would only eat creatures,
Leather-food would not suffice.
The zoo asked - "What are its features?"
"Two arms, two wings, a back and four feet.
"Burgundy skin, three cushions and, er, four wheels."
They replied - "Er ..... We will be right round. What street?"
"Fred," said I, "Do not yet mention its live meals."
Up they drove in a little green van.
Followed fast by a big green lorry.
In came two lads with a net, followed by a man.
"Okay where is it? We had better hurry."
"It is in there" I said, pointing at the door.
In they went, laughed and shouted me in.
"Is this it then?" they laughed even more.
"It is a couch" said the man with a grin.
"Yes" said I, "A chesterfield actually.
"I did describe it to you." Said I.
"We have to feed it all the time, almost constantly.
"It is a bit of a task, but we do not want it to die."
I guess it was asleep.
"It is a couch madam" he said again.
"Well, er, yes," I agreed. 'It' did not utter a peep.
They looked at me, left, and drove down the lane.
Jenny, our eldest rang. "Have you seen Granny?"
She asked. "Gone on a world cruise dear."
What else could I say? But did she believe me?
The situation was getting out of hand I fear.
So far we had 'lost' - The cat, the dog, Mrs. Jones,
And two men from the 'Pru.'
Five sheep, a pony and a pest from Betta Homes.
Not to mention Grandma. What were we to do?
Who were the experts on a thing of this sort?
We tried one of those papers. Would they know?
Those with the stories of how aliens cavort.
They did not believe us! Now where could we go?
We called the R.S.P.C.A. A man came.
"It is a couch" he remarked. I said - "Er .... Yes."
He glanced at me funny. Said he "Is this a game?"
"No" said I, "It has got us in a mess."
He took a closer look. I told him - "DON'T SIT THERE!"
"But it IS a couch," he said.
"It might eat you. Strip your bones bare."
I warned. He stood back shaking his head.
"Perhaps the leather is not dead!" he laughed.
He went in the hall and opened the door.
"Come on, where is the camera? I am not daft!
"This IS Candid Camera?" and left with a guffaw.
Typical, I thought. Why is it never awake?
Never at the right time? I heard a loud burp.
I wish it would eat vegetables, if only for my sake.
It would be easier. I heard a loud slurp.
Fred said - "The R.S.P.C.A. man might be right.
"It could be the leather, it is worth a try."
So he rang the upholsterer. He came the next night.
First he showed us some cloth we might buy.
Then he got his note-pad and measure ..... and went in.
It was unfair not to warn him I suppose.
We heard a scuffle and quite a din.
But the turmoil fell as fast as it arose.
It was time we got firmer.
Time to put our foot down.
To reduce its growl to a murmur.
Before it ate the whole town.
It had now eaten - The cat, the dog, Mrs. Jones.
Two men and three women from the Prudential.
Thirty sheep, a pony and three 'knockers' from Betta Homes.
Did I mention Grandma? Action was now becoming essential.
The upholsterer, thirty kilos of best steak.
The butcher's boy's bike and, I am sorry to say,
The butcher's boy, young Jake.
Some had lucky escapes. Nevertheless: it had to pay.
We went in. Fred wielded a brush.
I had a pan. Fred said - "Listen here couch."
And poked it in the mush.
It burped and frowned: what a grouch.
I waved the pan, it stuck out its tongue.
"Stop eating our visitors!" I said at my sternest.
It started to sulk, but it knew it was wrong.
We made sure it knew we were earnest.
The police came, looking for missing men.
One said - "We have heard you keep a wild animal,
"Er, in your sitting room." - "Have a look then"
Said I. He looked. "All seems normal."
I said - "Only a couch." He wrote down -
" 'Only .. A .. Couch' Nothing else?" asked he.
"Just a couch" said I. The PC had a frown.
On leaving he said - "Thank you for letting me see."
Months passed. Chester (we gave him this name)
Appeared to be getting saggy. Things did not look good.
He did not look well, and we were to blame.
He wanted live food you see: he needed the blood.
He became very poorly, so we gave him a sheep.
That did not work, but it was all we dared get.
Chester looked sad and just wanted to sleep.
I said to Fred - "Fred, better call a vet."
"No, we cannot bring him in ..... very big you see.
"What is he? er, um, no, we do not really know.
"Er ... yes, cross-breed ..... could be .....
"Distemper ..... yes, could be so."
